Welcome Back To The AL, You Fat Egomaniac

I'm a fat ass.Blogger has been down for an hour, and the deep, burning anger that I feel in my soul needs a place to be unleashed. So here you go, gentile readers.

Roger Clemens. Let me just preface this by saying that my burning hatred of this fat, balding man has very little to do with his abrupt departure from the Red Sox (I've totally forgiven Wade Boggs, and Johnny Damon is just too dumb) but his need to feed the beast that is his Sidney Ponson sized ego!

See, I have this horrific mental picture of Roger jerking off to newspaper articles about himself but after they are three days old, Little Roger can no longer rise to the occasion. And since the only other thing capable of giving him a boner, Andy Pettitte, isn't around anymore, Elephant Ass needs to make more news.

So, it's "there's an 80 percent chance I'll return," then it's "there's a 90 percent chance I won't return." Clearly, these were all lies fed from the teet of Clemens to the eagerly waiting mouths of the wretched media. Look at how he announced it - during the 7th inning stretch. At Yankee Stadium. FROM THE OWNERS BOX. I certainly hope they passed out diapers to members of the New York Media for when they all blew their collective loads at the announcement.

Now, you Yankee fans. You think Roger Clemens is going to solve your problems? This man hasn't pitched in the American League in four years. One out of every nine batters for him was another pitcher. The REAL hitters reside in the AL. You're paying 4.5 million A MONTH for a 45 year old man who seriously needs to lay off the cheeseburgers. As a Sox fan, I'm more afraid of Darrell Rasner than I am of Roger. But bring out the cross. And the nails. And the shroud of linen. Let this obese egomaniac be your savior. When you collapse like wet tacos again this year, the rest of MLB will be laughing at you and your monstrous payroll. Again.

Andy Pettitte making his Enrique Iglesias face.Well, Pettitte better get the Astroglide ready. With Roger returning to New York, it's going to mean some serious spooning after games. Members of the New York Media should invest in cashmere gloves and water pics as it is likely that Roger will need his sweaty, fat, wrinkly old man balls irrigated.

I will pay any amount of money to see his return to Fenway. Welcome back to the AL, you douche-sucking crotch pheasant. David Ortiz is going to have a ball sending your mediocre fastball over the Green Monster.

Ok, I feel better.

[New York Daily News]

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Under The Bleachers

A Roger Clemens interview

Sooze: Roger --

Roger Clemens: Please. Call me Rocket.

Sooze: Rocket. I gotta tell ya, I'm not a big fan. I think you're pretty much full of crap.

Rocket: I think I'm awesome, but let's just agree to disagree.

Lizzy: Let's start with the burning question that everyone wants an answer to. Where will you play this season?

Rocket: Ya know, everybody kind of perceives me as being angry. It's not anger, it's motivation.

Sooze: That's very insightful. Do you think you'll motivate your way to New York this season? Or will you keep that intensity in Houston?

Rocket: I am intense, no question about it. Every time I toe the rubber, it's no different for me than if it was in the World Series.

Lizzy: Your son, Koby, is in the Astros minor league system. When he makes it up to the majors, do you think you'll still be playing at this level?

Rocket: You know how hard I work during my off days? My only day off is the day I pitch.

Sooze: That's pretty hard.

Rocket: Yeah. Told you I was awesome.

Sooze: I thought we agreed you'd be honest with us... but you keep saying that you're "awesome".

Rocket: Can you pitch at the major league level, young lady? I don't see a World Series ring on that finger. (shoves nearby cameraman)

Lizzy: That was uncalled for, Roger. Besides, that's Randy Johnson's move. And Kenny Rogers'.

Rocket: He called me fat.

Disgruntled Cameraman: Yeah well, the truth hurts, Rain Man!

Rocket: That's Rocket Man, as the title of my autobiography clearly states. (hands a signed copy to Lizzy)

Lizzy: Sweet... So, are you ever going to retire, or what?

Rocket: Yeah, probably until June or so. Then we'll see what happens. For now, I'm thinking about starting up my own blog. I'm gonna call it "What's In Rocket's Pocket".

Sooze: Interesting.

Rocket: Go ahead, ask me what's in my pocket.

Sooze: No, that's okay.

Rocket: Really. Ask me. C'mon.

Lizzy: (sighs) What's in your pocket?

Rocket: (pulls hand out of pocket to flip the bird)

Sooze: Very nice.

Rocket: (falls over in a fit of laughter)

Lizzy: Hmm. Speaking of things that are hilarious, I understand your wife, Debbie, has made quite the name for herself with her Bedazzling website. Lots of butterflies, creepy music and plastic rhinestones for denim hats and jean jackets.

Rocket: Yeah, those things are AMAZING! I wanted her to bedazzle my glove, but she said my teammates would just make fun of me.

Sooze: Probably.

Rocket: She bedazzles my name onto the front of my underwear, instead. Bling, Bling.

Sooze: Thanks, Rocket. That's probably more than enough info. See you in New York this summer.

Rocket: Yep, see you there. I mean... we'll see where I end up. If I decide to pitch. Blah blah family blah blah priorities blah blah bedazzling.

[Roger Clemens Bio] | [debbieclemens.com]

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