Mistresses For MLB Players

Alex Rodriguez cheats on his wife. Crap, the next think you're going to tell me is that Barry Bonds stuck a needle full of cow hormones into his fanny.

So in celebration of Major League Baseball players skankbag ways, I've decided to take a handful of players and match them up with their ideal slutty celebrity equivilant.

  • Lindsay Lohan side boobDerek Jeter and Lindsay Lohan.
    Jeter is one of the few players in the league to embrace his promiscuity, never get married, and make whoopee with just about every hot woman in the world (and not so hot. Jury is still out on Mariah Carey). Lindsay Lohan is a cracked out skank in rehab. I think they'd be great together.

  • Casey Johnson side boob/assJustin Morneau and Casey Johnson.
    Morneau is the reigning AL MVP. Nobody knows who he is. Casey Johnson is the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and has been riding Paris Hilton's coattails for a million years now. Nobody knows who she is, either.

  • eli manning at his bestAlex Rodriguez and Eli Manning.
    They'll spend late nights whining about how the "New York media is just so, like, MEAN" and playing Mall Madness. They could also pound Smirnoff Ice Triple Blacks together, then make prank phone calls to Mike Lupica.

  • Tonya Harding cryingA.J. Pierzynski and Tonya Harding.
    Who would own who here? Props to Trey for coming up with this one. I was at a total loss to think of a woman who is as big a bitch as A.J.

  • Ann Coulter is a right-wing bitch, much like Roger ClemensCurt Schilling and Ann Coulter.
    Which one of these two likes to hear themselves talk more? I can imagine long pillow talk sessions over why each of them is so awesome, and why George Bush and Republicans and being a self-important waste of human hot air is so awesome. Imagine the fist-pumping that would probably take place.

  • Scarlett is so hot it's fucking ridiculousDavid Wright and Scarlett Johansson.
    Because I hope, so much, that David is into 5'4 buxom blondes. Only maybe that he might prefer less famous ones, with less awesome lips. And honestly, they're both gorgeous.

    I'd watch them go at it.

  • Roger Clemens' dream girl... if he couldn't choose himself.Roger Clemens and a Life-sized blow up doll of himself.
    Roger loves him some Roger. Because there's no being on earth that can satisfy Roger Clemens like Roger Clemens can.

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Sorry I haven't been around. I have anger towards my job. But this made me laugh so hard I almost puked.

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Project "Lame"

Stupid Blog's LogoThere's a flashy new website out there on the information highway we call the internet(s) called Project A-13: "The Anti-Boos Movement."

Since you are a baseball-minded person, you may immediately think it's a site about A-Rod. Ding, ding, ding! It is devoted solely to wrapping New York's loving arms around their loyal third baseman, Alex Rodriguez.

A snippet...

Are you tired of being against him? Are you tired of expecting him to fail, and standing up to boo when he does so? Are you tired of not feeling good about having Alex Rodriguez play third base for your favorite team? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are ready. Welcome to The Movement.
Sweet. So go, New Yorkers. Go love you some A-Rod.

[Project A-13]

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What's It Gonna Be, A-Rod

The had the pleasure of reporting that the New York Yankees don’t intend to offer Alex Rodriguez a contract extension this season.

This leaves the popular third baseman with four seasons left in the record $252 million, 10-year deal he made with Texas before the 2001 season, but language in his contract allows him to opt out and become a free agent after this season. Yankees GM Brian Cashman says it's a right he's earned in his contract and that the decision is his alone to make.

Although he has the option of taking off the pinstripes, he may also stay for 2008 and have the right to opt out of the final two seasons if the club doesn’t up his salary to $64 million over the final two years.

Either way, A-Rod has a pretty big decision to make. So far, his big mouth hasn't gotten him anywhere with fans and the organization, but his bat may speak louder than his words this year.


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A-Rod: "Why Can't You Love Me?!"

I know you all were picturing Derek Jeter just now, but think again. Alex Rodriguez is talking to the fans, this time.

A-Rod continues to claim that he will stay in New York with the Yankees, no matter what. It's where he's always wanted to play and where he wants to hang his cleats.

But, a loophole in his contract could allow him to choose free agency over a broken heart after this season.

In a WFAN radio interview on Tuesday, he threatened to use the option if fans did not embrace him. He says there were five or six teams this year dishing out the big bucks to lure him away from the Big Apple, but he chose to remain faithful, possibly in hopes that his middle-infield partner will take back his special friendship.

“It’s a do-or-die situation. Listen. At some point, either New York is going to say, ‘I’ve had enough of this guy, get him the hell out of here’ — and we have an option — or New York is going to say, ‘Hey, we won a World Championship, you had a big year, you’re a part of it, we want you back.’ ”

Rodriguez ignored Mad Dog's Jeter-related prodding, but when asked whether he had friends in the clubhouse, A-Rod laughed and said that he gets along "absolutely tremendously with everyone” and that maybe people pay a bit too much attention to his romantic entanglements up the middle personal life.

[New York Times]

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Under The Bleachers

An Alex Rodriguez interview

New York Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, has agreed to sit down with the Babes to give us a little insight on what makes him tick.

Lizzy: Thanks for sitting down with us Alex. We really appreciate when athletes take time out of their busy, whining, slut-ramming and appletini-chugging schedules to talk with us.

A-Rod: No problem, Lizzy. The four tubes of purple Blistex really helped change my mind. Gotta keep my smackers violet and moist!

Sooze: So, talk a little about your relationship with Derek Jeter. You were quite distraught when he stopped inviting you to sleep over, and you seem to really miss the tight relationship you once had. What happened?

A-Rod: Soozy dear, your guess is as good as mine. I mean, he used to get really mad at me when I left the seat down. I never used to get mad at him when he'd wear my underwear or forget to pull out! I mean, it's devastating.

There was this one time that we stayed up all night before a game, drinking Smirnoff Ice. He threw up all over my "My So Called Life" DVDs and I FORGAVE him. I couldn't stare at Jordan Catalano's sweet ass for days after that! I let that boi get away with so much. (bursts into tears)

Lizzy: There, there, Alex. Time heals all wounds...

A-Rod: BUT LIZZY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I left Texas for him. I picked up my life and sacrificed playing shortstop, all for the love of Derek. The first few months were great - spooning on the team bus and playing Girl Talk by the light of the fireplace on cold nights in Manhattan.

But then, he decided he needed to start dating whores that work for MTV. I showed that Vanessa Minello tramp! She showed up at our place in her Jimmy Choos and Gucci dresses and I slapped that bitch square in the mouth for trying to stick it to my man. Why else do you think she ran screaming into the arms of that jackass who used to be married to Jessica Simpson?

Who gently wiped the blood off of his mouth when he took that face-first spill into the stands? You think he could even have come to my defense when that brut, Jason Varitek punched me? I don't care that he sometimes forgets to change his socks or that he refuses to shave his special parts. And trust me, that boy may have a face soft and smooth like a baby's ass, but his groin is like the black fucking forest. (bursts into tears again, grabs bottle of Xanex and pops a handful of pills)

Lizzy: Oooookay, thanks for sitting down with us, Alex. We really appreciate it.

A-Rod: You girls want to play Mall Madness? Or maybe go see Phantom of the Opera? Derek and I used to do that, he'd cry like a baby during "Music of the Night." We used to role-play to that, too. I'd put on a long blonde wig and pretend I was Christine...

Sooze: Bye Alex.

[Alex Rodriguez Bio] | [Derek Jeter Bio]

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Derek Jeter responded today to comments that Alex Rodriguez made to the media yesterday, whining about how he and Jeter no longer have sleepovers.

I don't have a rift with Alex," the New York Yankees captain said today. "We go out there. We work together. This is our fourth year to be playing together."

This is just the latest addition to the Yankee player media masturbation fest that has taken place at spring training this year. Mike Mussina came out and was critical of Carl Pavano a while back, there's the ongoing Bernie Williams crying fest, Mariano Rivera taking his contract issues to the NYC back pages, and finally A-Rod crying because Derek doesn't like to spoon in the locker room anymore.

What's happening to the Yankees? When was the last time the Mets looked more respectable than the Yankees? I mean, nobody has come out and ripped on Carlos Beltran for his heavy bat.

Tim Hardaway does not approve.

Source: ESPN

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Jeter Has Lost That Loving Feeling

Alex Rodriguez has stooped to taking a lover's quarrel to the media, admitting that his relationship with Derek Jeter has "cooled."

"You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal," A-Rod told the AP yesterday. TOO EASY.

So what changed? A-Rod got sick of the nipple clamps? He accidentally erased off the Tivo and that was the last straw for Princess Derek? Jeter kept leaving the toilet seat up? Because you know A-Rod pisses sitting down.

What does this mean for the left side of the Yankees infield? Another season of a lovelorn Alex gazing longingly at Jeter while Derek blatantly ignores him?

Sorry guys, I'm a little off today. This one is just too easy. The whole story reads like a pathetic love song from a broken hearted woman. Bring back that lovin' feeling..

Source: Yahoo! News.

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Season Preview: The New York Yankees

The New York Yankees will make another run at the American League East this year. Shocker.

The offseason this year has been fairly quiet for the Bronx Bombers. No blockbuster deals or major acquisitions. The most noise the Yanks have made involves sending The Big Ugly back to Arizona. As I always say, if you can sign a 43-year-old man with a bad back for a ridiculous amount of money, I say do it. Much to-do has been made over proverbially injured bench-warmer Carl Pavano in this offseason, with him claiming that he is able to win back the respect of his teammates after signing a massive contract back in late 2004, and then spending two full seasons with an assortment of hangnail and blemish-related injuries.

Starting pitching for the Bronx Bombers will be a question mark for them, with Chien-Ming Wang returning as the most productive and reliable member of the rotation. Andy Pettitte has made the return from Texas, but is quite old, and just spent a few years pitching in the NAAAtional League. We know what happens to pitchers who go from the NL to the AL (*cough*Matt Clement*cough*).

Mike Mussina is really hot, but injury-prone, up there in years, and quite inconsistent. Pavano will probably be in there somewhere. In keeping up with the trend to sign Asian guys during the offseason, the Yanks signed Kei Igawa to a 3 year, $20 million dollar deal. Mariano Rivera returns as closer. Duh.

The infield will be again anchored by Derek "Justin Timberlake steals all my women" Jeter, Alex "I might opt out" Rodriguez at shortstop and third respectively. Robinson Cano, who was nearly the AL Rookie of the Year last year, will start at second. And Doug "GIVE THE RED SOX FANS BACK THE FUCKING BALL" Mientkiewicz will be playing first base for the Yanks to allow Jason "Shrek/Balco" Giambi to become a full time DH. Miguel Cairo will be waiting around in case anyone hurts themselves, which is bound to happen.

The outfield may be the best in baseball with Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui and Bobby Abreau all making returns for the bombers; switch-hitting Melky Cabrera might have to wait around until someone is injured to play.

This could be the most dangerous hitting team in baseball. However, pitching may come back to bite them on their pinstriped asses. The starting rotation is mostly old and injury-prone and nobody knows what kind of shape the bullpen will be in until the season actually gets going. Kyle Farnsworth headlines the relief crew, with lefties Sean Henn and Mike Myers, right-handers Luis Vizcaino and Scott Proctor also returning.

If everyone stays healthy, it'll be the Sox and the Yanks again for the AL East.

Depth Chart

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