5.22.2009

VooDoo Sabermetrics: Elijah Dukes


Who do the Voodoo
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our eleventh edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Washington Nationals screw-up and all-around scary mother-effer reformed outfielder Elijah Dukes. You're in for a treat, since we have some new VooDooers and not one, not two, but THREE Youtube videos for your enjoyment.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness
- Jolly is not the first adjective that comes to mind when I hear the name Elijah Dukes. In fact, he scares the crap out of me. Maybe it was the insinuated homicidal picture mail? Not sure when he first started to rub me the wrong way... which is pretty hard to do.

However, he has made strides since joining the Nationals' outfield, so I'll give him a 2 on the Jollity Scale. He does at times seem jovial, though he may or may not be planning a baby mama's murder behind that sheepish grin.

Theme Song - Eminem, Kill You. Track #2 on the 2000 album The Marshall Mathers LP.


Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball

Name Quality (nicknames included)
- Elijah David Dukes. According to Wikipedia (so easy to use, it has to be true!), Elijah is one of the A-number-one biblical prophets. He is revered by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike. That doesn't sound like our man at all. However, the old-school Elijah was said to be able to raise the dead, rain down fire from the sky, and fly up to heaven on a whirlwind, so he definitely knew how to get his name in the papers, and that makes him very similar to our Mr. Dukes.

Hold on, irony department on line one. Taken together, Elijah's middle and last names are David Dukes. This is very close to the name of a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. You may remember him as the out-of-touch bonehead who ran for president in 1988 on a platform of voluntary racial segregation. The scary thing is, after that, the guy actually WON elections in Louisiana. We got a long way to go here, folks.

That soapboxing aside, Dukes is a fabulous last name for #34. Dukes is ready to throw down, or "put up his dukes", at the first opportunity. Especially if you're his wife, his mistress, or a teenaged former sex partner.

The Rays took the Devil out of their name and their lineup in 2008, and look what it did for them. While nobody has actually proposed "Devil" as a nickname for Elijah David Dukes, let me be the first to throw it out there.

Name: For its glorious contradictions and surname perfection, I give it a nine. Nickname: Since I made it up, I give "Devil" Dukes a ten.

(ed. note: I'm partial to the nickname "Dookie".)

Adam Jacobi, BHGP and weekend editor of The Sporting Blog

Spirit Element
- Caesium (US: Cesium) Caesium is the densest of the alkali metals, and it takes an enormous amount of density to send a picture of a gun to a former paramour and declare "you dead, dawg" without expecting repercussions. Yes, this is not news, but it bears repeating at every interval.

Moreover, caesium is known for its room-temperature IQ melting point, meaning normally everyday atmospheric fluctuations can completely alter its composition. To that end, the Washington Nationals employ a special assistant under "player concerns," essentially an ex-cop babysitter for Dukes.

Surprisingly, Dukes has not killed this man.

Ostensibly, this ex-cop is primarily responsible for keeping Dukes away from alcohol, his caesium's water, capable of evoking strong reactions at a moment's notice:


Tuffy, SPORTSbyBROOKS and BC Sports Treehouse Fort

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- Elijah Dukes will end you if you speak ill about him. Therefore, Tuffy's Hardness Scale measures Elijah Dukes' hardness at 18 kajillion. That's totally a lot, Elijah. You're harder than string theory. Or punctuality.

(Knowing his schedule, we've got a five-minute head start. We're outta here.)

Monday Morning Punter, With Leather

One-Liner
- "Your prototypical power hitter that treats hanging curveballs and women's inquisitions with the same level of jaw-dropping prejudice."

Kris Liakos, Walkoff Walk

Intensity of Self vs. Intensity of Devotees; Corrolaries and Reflexiveness
- Yeah, Elijah Dukes is a little intense. Perhaps you've heard of the time he sent a cell phone picture of a gun to his estranged girlfriend. Or the time he threw a Gatorade bottle at a 17 year old baby mama of his. Hell, it's all summed up here pretty nicely in a warmfuzzy about Dukes changing his MO. And that's good. You don't wanna begrudge a guy getting his life on track. Especially if his new team hired an ex cop to specifically watch over him.

Elijah truly is more mellow now. He was OPSing at a quite decent .820 before landing on the DL last week with a pulled hammy. His name only appears in the news in box scores and injury reports. And that's the way it should be. You always like to see your fellow man pull through. Let's just hope he stays that way. It can be hard to keep the Bottle Tossin' Pixel Toting Monster at bay...

He has one fan video on YouTube and I'd call it crap if it weren't clearly made by a little kid. Keep trying Zanman720!


I give Elijah Dukes the intensity of a buried, but still live, civil war mortar, and his fans the intensity of a spilled can of Mountain Dew.

Matt Sussman, The Layoff Beard, Deadspin and Blog Critics

Sim City Advice
- In picture format, of course.
Sim City Advice
So there you have it. Elijah Dukes, in all his glory. Tune in next time, you never know who our next victim subject will be!

8 comments:

Megs said...

Nice work all! Elijah Dukes is indeed one scary mother-effer.

Bassmaster said...

The whole intimidation-tactic via picture mail thing will NEVER get old. Who does that?

Anonymous said...

I like the Dookie nicknmame much better than just plain Dukes.

Peeps said...

The more Youtubes the better, I always say! Well done as usual lady and gents.

Jacob said...

Dookie!! You know, he has pretty much reformed since joining the Nats, besides being fined for being late, after teaching kids how to play baseball! We'll see. He could do something stupid it any moment, a leopard never changes his spots!

RandBall's Stu said...

I enjoyed that immensely.

Porkchop said...

PERFECT theme song.

You don't wanna **** with Elijah. Cause Elijah will ****in kill you.

Anonymous said...

He's totally checking out the Snorg Tees chick right now.

Post a Comment