Voodoo Sabermetrics: Chase Utley

Who do the Voodoo
Welcome to our eighth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we tackle one of the hottest bats in baseball, Philadelphia Phillies second baseman, Chase Utley. We generally polish off our Voodoo posts with Jon Pyle (see Hotness and SMI) but we have a special treat for you today, instead.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
- Chase Utley's jollity sparked the moment his first big league hit went yard for a grand salami. He's enjoyed a steady .300 career batting average ever since, not to mention a hot start to the 2008 season, nailing 23 homers and 66 RBIs to date. He's jovial in a young Joe Morgan way. Plus, he rocks those rosy cheeks sometimes, which tips the scale of jolliness just toward Santa Claus. But naturally, Chase Utley gets a Soft Little Puppy on the Jollity Scale.

When I think of people who name their kid Chase, I think of yuppies. And when I think of yuppies, I think of California. When I think of California, for some reason I get that Joni Mitchell song stuck in my head. But just the unbearably high parts. Which brings me to this theme song... even though I should have probably chosen this one.

Theme Song - Joni Mitchell, California. Track #6 on the 1971 album Blue, in which she is joined by easy-listening sensation James Taylor on the guitar.

Dirty BatExtra P., Bus Leagues Baseball
Name Quality (nicknames included)
- Pasadena, California is known for three things: The Rose Bowl, the attendant parade, and lots and lots of dudes named Chase. Chase Cameron Utley sounds like the worst of the lot, but he's earned a grudging respect that pushes aside our natural dislike of such a pantywaist moniker.

Fortunately, Chase has a nickname, and it's a pretty good one. Somehow the prep-school douchebaggery of the name Chase mixed with the stamp-collecting nerdiness of the last name Utley creates the smooth and confident Chutley. Chutley is efficient, forceful, and provides a wonderful complement of taste and texture when served with traditional Indian cooking.

Ah, shit. Those Wikipedia dumbasses screwed me up again.

Aaaaanyway. Name: 1 out of 10 navy blazers. Nickname: 9 out of 10 Bollywood condiments.

Celebrity Equivalent
- Orlando Bloom.
Fresh-faced handsomeness and dashing good looks, floppy brown locks, a just-skinny-enough torso that compels people to want to feed him cookies and milk, and a debonair charm that causes teen girls (and grown-ass women) to melt at his feet like pools of butter? Sounds like Chutley and Orlando Bloom have a lot in common. And so far, Chut can relate to being stuck in the shadow of the twin titans Johnny Depp (Jimmy Rollins) and Brad Pitt (Ryan Howard). And both guys are tree-hugging environmentalists and dog-loving animal rescuers - which only makes the ladies squee louder. Plus, Chutley totally would be the elf if the Phils got together for a little LOTR roleplay.

Camp Tiger Claw, Walkoff Walk
Intensity of Self vs. Intensity of Devotees; Corrolaries and Reflexiveness
Hot BatFormer teammate Geoff Geary once said of Utley: "The best thing about Chase is you'll never see him too high or too low. I see it as a relaxed intensity." Relaxed intensity? That only happens when stoners play video games. I'm calling bullcrap. Chase is no quietly intense hippie. Is he?

Holy crap, he's intense about stopping Global Warming. Geoff Geary was right. He's quietly intense like that kid your bought pills from in your freshman poli-sci class! MVP! MVP!

Let's see what his fans have crapped out all over Youtube. User Jazareth says in the intro to the following video: "Chase Utley is a beast who beats opponents into submission with his phenomenal skills, rugged good looks, and boyish charms." The tuneage goes from Zeppelin > Tenacious D > Um.. James Blunt.

I think that may be ironic, in which case I hate it. The next submission refers to Utley as "The God Of Baseball" and uses a song that employs approximately 75 uses of the N word.

That one stinks too. STEP IT UP PEOPLE.

I give Utley the intensity of a Goo Ball in the lot at a Phish show and his fans the intensity of listening to your roommate try and convince you to listen to the Disco Biscuits.

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- Chase Utley does not appear to score highly on Tuffy's Hardness Scale on first blush. He has no super powers outside his ability to both own a second baseman's glove and hit like a DH. (No small feat, but still.) He looks like every non-descript SoCal dude lucky enough to make $85m over six years. He possesses no particular charisma. His hand fracture last season shows he can be broken. He likes puppies, but that's more admirable than hard.

Upon further analysis, though, we found a part on Chase Utley that seems incredibly dense. The specific gravity on this section of Utley's body is so high that he will sink to the bottom of any pool in mere seconds. It is so dense that anything that gets too close to it (especially young women) cannot escape its pull.

Therefore, we rate Chase Utley's total hardness on Tuffy's Hardness Scale at 7.2 and the hardness of his ass at 8.9. Please keep your distance for your own safety.

Horoscope (Date of Birth: December 17th, 1978) - Normally, we would provide detailed analysis of Chase Utley's character and predict his future. However, we're more and more convinced that this is all you'll need. Congratulations, Philadelphia; best of luck finding two more players with last names that start with 'U'.

Jon Pyle, Pyle of List
Hotness and SMI
- Chase Utley is a difficult man to judge in terms of hotness. He's got a passionate throng of female (and male) fans that have generated an amazing amount of hype in regard to Mr. Utley's good looks. His dirty uniform whilst leaning against a bat picture has reached almost legendary status. There are even photographs of him holding puppies that pack any Google Image search for ol' Chase. And not just any puppies... adopted puppies. (Cue Ahhhhhh's). However, it is my job to penetrate the dense fog of hype surrounding our subject and my verdict won't be too popular. Chase Utley is quite simply not as hot as you think he is. The idea of Chutley is hot, but in reality he doesn't quite measure up to the standard of hotness held by this objective observer.

On the JP's patented Sexy Man Index, Chase Utley scores a Monet

Borrowing a term from Cher Horowitz, a renowned rater of hotness in the mid 90's, Utley looks great from far away but when you examine his looks closely, his appearance doesn't quite hold up.


Clare, Plunk Chutley
The Scale of Macho-tude -
When the usual Voodoo Sabermetrics suspects decided to analyze Chase Utley, they came to a consensus that I be included in their analysis. After all, I do have something of an interest in the fellow. And of course I agreed to participate, because anytime anybody gives me the opportunity to rhapsodize about everybody's favorite puppy-rescuing, power-hitting second baseman, I run with that opportunity.

I think everyone expects me to talk about how hot Chase Utley is. And don't get me wrong, he is. But having read the recent column on Jezebel about why girls write fan letters, I decided to go in a slightly different direction, and so welcome to The Scale of Macho-tude, a new feature on Voodoo Sabermetrics.

What IS The Scale of Macho-tude, you ask? What defines Macho-tude?

Well, frankly, I haven't figured that out yet. But what I can tell you is that The Scale of Macho-tude is tallied in David Sedarises...

...and Wolverines.

Let's begin!

Things that make Chase Utley macho:

Can hit for power AND average. Even when he was slumping his batting average stayed over .300. +1 Wolverines.

Forearms. (This photo is saved on my computer as forearmporn.jpg, OK?) +5 Wolverines.

Works out a lot, so he could probably open a stuck jar or carry big bags of groceries from your car for you. +250 Wolverines (which is how much I assume Chutley can bench).

Likes to get dirty (interpret that however you'd like). +1 Wolverine.

Prone to occasional fits of pique. +9 Wolverines (since he usually keeps it together until the ninth inning so dude doesn't get ejected).

Is nice to animals. + 5 Wolverines. (see puppies)

And little children. +2 Wolverines (one for each ovary).

baby-lover, always a plus
Things that are not Macho about Chase Utley:

The twee soul patch. That thing has got to go. Its meticulous grooming smacks of a vanity I like to believe Chase Utley is incapable of. -10 Sedarises. I really, really hate that thing.

Occasional "Look at me! I'm a glamour boy!" moments. -5 Sedarises.

sissypants picture
Drinks wussy beer. I don't care if it's in the cool aluminum Phillies-branded bottle, IT'S STILL BUD LIGHT. You live in the town that gave the world Troegenator, Victory Hop Devil, and Yuengling, for Jebus' sake. YUENGLING! NO MACROBREWS FOR YOU! -24 Sedarises, one for every beer in a case of Yuengling.

The Macho-tude Verdict:

Total Wolverines: 273
Total Sedarises: 39

Net total: 234
, giving Chase Utley a solid Chase Utley. Macho-er than David Sedaris, though not as macho as a guy who has adamantium welded to his bones. (Although the pin in Chutley's hand after The John Lannan Incident of Aught-Seven might make me revise that number...)

Check back soon for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics!


Megs said...

Holy crap that was awesome. Great addition with Clare!!

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