6.06.2008

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Chipper Jones



Welcome to our sixth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we break down one of the most awesome players ever, #10. Chipper Jones.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness
- Well, he isn't called Chipper for his jollity, this much I know. We'll let Extra P. cover that base, though. But if happiness were a batting average, Jones would be all smiles. Heading into tonight's game against the Cincinnati Reds, the life-long Atlanta Braves switching-hitting badass is batting .418 with 14 longballs and 39 RBIs on the season, after smoking career homer #400 Thursday night.

Chipper gets a George Clooney on the jollity scale. The man is like a fine wine: the older he gets, the better he is and the more jolly he makes this girl.

Theme Song - This week's theme song is more of an extremely heart-felt dedication by me: I Wanna Sex You Up, featured on the 1991 Color Me Badd single by the same name. The song also appears on the New Jack City soundtrack.


Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball

Name Quality (nicknames included)
- Posterity does not record Mr. and Mrs. Jones' intentions when they named their son. We are able, however to narrow it down. A man named Larry Wayne Jones has only two options in life: serial killer or presidential assassin. Good thing this guy has a nickname.

The nickname is equally confusing, however. Because "Chipper" Jones is not a golfer. Nor does he seem excessively happy at all times. Nor can he turn a stack of tree limbs into a nice, even layer of mulch for my flower beds. It's kind of like his nickname by executive fiat – he claimed to be "Chipper", so he's "Chipper". But at least it's keeping him from becoming a professional murderer, and that's worth celebrating.

Name: 4 out of 10 heads in the freezer Nickname: 5 inches of fragrant, weed-defeating wood fragments


Melissa, Center Field

Celebrity Equivalent
- Colin Farrell. Smarmy, slightly skeevy but very talented -- yet often overlooked by critics and/or award givers-- Chipper and Colin have a lot in common. Chipper's 2007 season was his very own Tigerland -- where was the love for that virtuoso performance? Oh right, that's because no one seems to like either of them very much at all. Also, they have a problem with womanizing - though a Chipper sex tape hasn't surfaced. Yet. And while Colin bangs models, playmates and Angelina Jolie, Chipper's daliance of choice is a Hooters waitress. Pure class, the both of 'em.

Kris Liakos, Walkoff Walk

Intensity of Self vs. Intensity of Devotees; Corrolaries and Reflexiveness
- Chipper Jones seems like a fun loving guy. Coaches, teammates and waitresses all love him. He's built himself a Hall Of Fame career by hitting the bejesus out of the ball from both sides of the plate. Arguably (and I don't want to argue, I'm hungover) he's the best switch hitter since Mickey Mantle. You don't get that way without a little intensity, yeah?

But isn't it kind of hard to think of anyone associated with the Braves as ultramega intense? There's just something about that squad that makes me doubt they're maniacal drive to win. But I can't quite put my finger on it... any ideas Chipper?

"I think the legacy is what it is. We've won 14 straight [division titles]. We know how special that is. We're going to keep doing our thing whether we win or lose in the postseason. It's not going to change the fact that we've won 14 straight division titles."

Oh yeah. Quiet complacency with a sock drawer full of division titles. He should have gotten more upset about this over the years. I'll award him above average intensity because I've seen him swear a lot, but I'm not going crazy with it.

How about his fans. To what level have they taken their love to the Yootoobz?

Montage of stills set to Five For Fighting.


I wanted to call this some seriously weak sauce... but it kind of got to me. I found myself reflecting.

I give Chipper Jones the intensity of a serious Bumper Cars session, and his fans the intensity of The Tunnel Of Love.


Tuffy, Refrigerator Logic and Sports by Brooks

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- He appears rugged from the outside, with his weathered good looks, his solid form, and his gritty gutty smile. He's an icon that stands for much more than just his sturdy exterior. He's everything that unites us and divides us as baseball viewers. His achievements reach legendary status, though complete success has mostly avoided him. Also, he's got some wicked stories behind him.

However, a dozen trips to the disabled list since 2004 belie a fragile nature that could cause him to finally collapse at any time. No one wants to believe that, though, because so we concentrate on the visual virility. We want him on that wall; we need him on that wall. Therefore, we project him on that wall when perhaps he could find another position he's better suited for now. Still, the writing's on that wall - his time left is short and his effectiveness waning.


Larry "Chipper" Jones is a 6.7 on the Tuffy's Hardness Scale. Extrapolated through historical algorithms, he's the Berlin Wall around 1986. He's not as daunting as he used to be, when his peak hardness caused a whole league to quiver. Crumbled bits of him can be found along the line, but he's still up there protecting an idea. Unfortunately, an aged leader will soon have to step in front of him and declare with just a bit of sadness that it's time to tear down this wall and he'll peter out of existence.

Then we'll buy pieces of him for decades to come as a bit of nostalgia that our kids will never fully understand. It will be their loss.

(And if that reference seems dated and a bit out of step, we'll smile, nod, and mutter something about a "meta-Hardness Scale this week" while demanding another White Russian from the bartender.)

Horoscope (Date of Birth: April 24th, 1972) - Taurus signers are stubborn, reserved, loyal, and dependable. Slow to act and slower to change their minds, getting a Taurus to do what you want if it goes against their beliefs will probably involve some type of cattle prod.

For 2008, we predict Jones will stay the course until the mission is accomplished. He will insist that the threat of NL East opponents requires stern responses like hitting over .400 and staying upright at third base for 140 games. The Braves will push to improve their road record under his emotional guidance to uphold one of his axioms: we must fight them over there so we can fight them over here in October.

We also predict this will all blow up in his face and tarnish his legacy, but he'll still be our good ol' boy in the end.

Jon Pyle, Pyle of List

Hotness and SMI
- Chipper Jones continues to show us that age doesn’t dictate performance by hitting over .400 so far this season. He does the same thing for hotness. In fact, he may be hotter now than in his debut in 1993. Then, he was a skinny Southern kid that looked like he’d say “No thank you, ma’am” if you seductively offered him lemonade while he tended to your barn. Now he looks like a confident, worldly man that would march into your plantation mansion, kick down your bedroom door and make sweet, passionate love to you. Despite being the consummate southern gentleman, he knows what he wants and isn’t keen on playing games. That sureness of purpose and self-confidence make Chipper Jones quite sexy no matter where you reside.

Chipper scores a Patrick Dempsey on the SMI (Sexy Man Index).


While not from the South, Dempsey has aged better than any bottle of wine in existence. Once a somewhat awkward but still attractive lad, he’s become an extremely hot family man which has launched his career to increasingly successful heights.


So there you have it. Check back next Friday for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics!


4 comments:

Jimmy said...

another great voodoo sabermetrics! I'll throw in a 12 out of 10 on the "Stays on the same team his whole career, including minors" scale. The big question for the statisticians... has any other team held on to their first round draft pick as long as Atlanta has been blessed with Chipper?

Anonymous said...

masterful

-_Dan Bravesnuworld

Megs said...

Holy shit, that was great. Chipper McDreamy Jones!

Bassmaster said...

That five for fighting montage was hilarious. Nice find.

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