Voodoo Sabermetrics: Miguel Tejada

If Babes Love Baseball had a boyfriend, it would be The Extrapolater. Here he is, to introduce a feature that's spankin' new to BLB, Voodoo Sabermetrics.

If I had to guess what is running through the minds of faithful BLB readers right now, it would probably be something like “What the hell is this?” To which I answer “Welcome to Voodoo Sabermetrics.”

I’m Extra P., and I started this feature over on my old blog The Extrapolater. It was our way to get some funny baseball lovin’ writers together to look at players using our own metrics. Sabermetricians might know what an OPS is, and we might, too, but we’ll never let on. And we may not always look at the best players around – it might just be the craziest (where have you gone, Elijah Dukes?). Try it, you’ll like it.

Now that we’ve moved the whole shebang over to a real website, we’re going to kick off 2008 in style. Ladies and gentlemen, we introduce: Miguel Tejada.

Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball
Name Quality (nicknames included) -
The first category I’ll rank our man in is name quality, including nicknames. Then my talented colleagues will follow after with some more homemade categories.

Name: Miguel Odalis Tejada. I don’t think I’m the only person who gets a bit jumpy when he sees the name “Odalis”. But it’s hardly Miguel’s fault that a perfectly good Dominican name was ruined by a mediocre pitcher, so I’m going to let that slide. The nickname “Miggy” is troubling, though. It never fails to remind me of the semen-flinging cellmate of Hannibal Lecter (named Miggs, if you’ve forgotten) from “Silence of the Lambs”. Baseball Almanac is trying to convince me that Miggy is also called “The Bus”, but I’m not buying it.

Name: 6 out of 10. Nickname: 5 out of 10.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
- Miguel Tejada used to be a pretty jovial young man: see 2002 NL MVP Award and 2005 All-Star MVP honor. Now he's more of a grumpy, warded veteran: see 2007 Mitchell Report and .

Miggy gets an Avril Lavigne on the Jollity Scale. No, that's not good. Lots of hairspray, eye-liner and agnst.

Theme Song - 2Pac, Lie to Kick It. Track #10 on the 1997 album R U Still Down (Remember Me)

- Of all the images that appear while Googling for Tejada, this is my favorite. The fact is, Tejada is a beast of a dude, with quads as big as Jim Thome's, and biceps good for cracking nuts. Miguel Tejada is, to my mind, Toad from Super Mario Bros, on B-12 supplements -- and only B-12 supplements! On the chain restaurant scale, we'll give Miguel a score of Church's Chicken. Whatever that means.

Quotability - When Miggy was a younger man (though, apparently, ya know, not THAT much younger), he was full of charming, Dominian naivete, saying things like:

"My first at-bat, four balls in a row. I say, 'What's going on? He's a strike machine. He's a strike machine. That's when I knew it was going to be a good day for me.'" (In 2001).

Then, of course, Miguel got into ominous foreshadowing (like there's any other kind), in 2003:

"Of course I think a 10-year investment would be in a team's best interest. Look at Cal Ripken Jr., that guy was around until he was like 40... Not that I'm going to be in my 40s at the end of the 10-year deal or anything."

I mean, come on. If, after the 2003 season, he received a 10 year contract, when the contract ended, Miggy would be exactly 40. Look at the quote. Look at the elipsis! Doesn't he just sound suspicious. Can't you just imagine him nervously laughing and elbowing the unknowing reporter who took this down? "Ha, HA! No, no, no! I'm about to turn 28. I'm not 30! Not me, no sir!"

Miguel Tejada, you fucking liar. That said, Miggy is always talking about something, whether it's his age or the prosperous nature of getting walked by Mike Mussina or on sharing his B-12 supplements with the world, or if it's about being traded, then not being traded, and then just complaining about losing, he's always saying something. Miggy, you score a dandy Olive Garden on my ambiguous rating system.

Jon Pyle, Pyle of List
Hotness & SMI
- Let’s just get this out of the way: I’m in charge of hotness and I’m not ashamed. My philosophy is don’t send a dud to do a sexy man’s job. The men will be rated on an arbitrary scale of hotness, decided unilaterally by me, that may or may not change every week. What can I say, chicks dig mystery.

Surprisingly sexy, Miggy T. will cause your heart to defect to the Major League of Love before you can even protest. It may seem like you’re just friends, but before you know it you’re sharing empanadas and Piña Coladas on a bear skin rug in his master bedroom at 3am. And we all know what that means. Stereotypically Latin American men are known for their passion, which ol’ Miggy T will demonstrate when he hits you with that Dominican Judo: ju don’ know if he’ll rub your back, ju don’ know if he’ll kiss your neck, ju don’ know if he’ll compose a sonnet about your beauty.

He scores Ricardo Montalban on JP’s patented SMI (Sexy Man Index).

Sarah, BLB and Strikezones & Endzones
- As far as behavior goes, Miggy is headed down a troubled path. I mean, lying about your age? Who does that? Nobody I know, that's for sure. Of all the bad things in baseball right now (steroids, hgh, Big Papi's batting average), this is just about the worst you can do. And to walk out of an interview when all the interviewer did is unexpectedly show you a copy of your own birth certificate? That's just rude. It's not like it was invasive and personally insulting or anything. Miggy clearly needs to shape up.

Hardness Scale (Like the Mohs Hardness Scale but with more Tuffy)
- Grew up in ludicrously poor circumstances. Fought way into majors by any means necessary. 1,152 consecutive games at shortstop. The streak ended only after he broke his wrist and then played the next day, bunting in his only at-bat.

On the Tuffy's Hardness Scale of 1-10, Miguel Tejada ranks at 8.7. That puts him between Blister Packaging (8.5) and The Tick's nigh-invulnerability (9.2). You know, a hardass but still able to be punctured with needles.

Horoscope - (Date of Birth: hahahahaha)

Jack Cobra, The Cobra Brigade
Neighbor Quotient
Jack: Hey Miguel, do you have my weed wacker?

Tejada: Weed wacker? I never borrowed your weed wacker.

Jack: Yes you did. I let you borrow it last Summer. You had a birthday party coming up and wanted to clean up your yard.......

Tejada: I do not remember this.

Jack: (Peeking into Tejada's garage) Isn't that it? Isn't it right there in your garage? I can see it! Miguel, I can see it in your garage!!! It's right next to your lawn mower!!!!!

Tejada: (shutting garage door) Uh.....no comprende.

Miguel Tejada is a liar and as you can see....that does not make for a good neighbor. Rating: -39 out of 10.

Scrappiness - There was a time when I thought Miguel Tejada was a scrappy player. He seemed to be a fun loving guy when he was in Oakland and at one time he had the longest running playing streak in the majors, but that seems like a lifetime ago. Nowadays, Tejada is a slow-footed third baseman trying to do the work of a shortstop and it pains me to watch him. An authentic scrappy player would have bit the bullet and made the move to a new position long ago but not Miguel.....he still toils in the middle of the infield and lets balls go by him left and right with little resistance. Rating: -4 out of 10.

So, there you have it. Check back next Friday for another edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics.


Mr. Thursday said...

I would never have guessed we didn't like Little Miggy Tejada so much. Poor fella.