What Will I Do Now...?

GrrrrrI know Melissa already wrote about this, but I've been on the Roger Clemens beat for Babes since I was a young and green baseball blogger, and I just wanted to express my sorrow at the fact that Fatty McTaintlicker has decided to finally hang up his cleats and never ever curse any Major League Baseball team with his propensity to jack off to photos of himself ever again.

..oh wait...

"He's moving toward retirement and leaving open the possibility of playing," agent Randy Hendricks said. "As Roger has stated several times, he's failed at retirement repeatedly."
That quote should read "he's failed at comebacks repeatedly, but he's been really good out of sucking millions of dollars out of the proverbial teet of whatever team is sniffing enough white out to sign him." OF COURSE Andy Pettitte's Top is leaving open the possibility of returning to baseball. Because there's always someone who wants to pay 6 million dollars a start to a AARP member with a fat fatigued groin. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE.

Since April will undoubtedly roll around, and Roger will want to turn his "comeback" into a story, and since the East Ass Fuck Weekly Tellegram won't even care, Little Roger will be unable to rise to the occasion. I'm never one to speak ill without offering a solution, I am going to offer up a few safer alternatives than stringing the media along (and because Viagra can give you a four-hour boner) for the "Bedazzling Mrs. Clemens" in order to get Fatty to rise to the occasion.

1. Have rubber mask made of Roger. Wear to bed. Wear Yankees uniform to bed. Nobody loves Roger like Roger.
2. Purchase any and all available audio tapes of Suzyn Waldman. Nothing gets Roger hot and bothered like hearing Miss Suzy cry out his name.
3. Carefully suggest to Roger he have rib removal surgery. Then he can take the hand out of it and suck himself off. Hey, it worked for Marilyn Manson.
4. Purchase Andy Pettitte mask and uniform. Wear to bed. Just be prepared to take it from the back, rough, long and hard.
5. Wallpaper entire bedroom with New York tabloid back pages from April of 2007.

Now Debbie, be sure to get back to me on how well these "ways to get your obese assclown douchesack of a husband" hot, and good luck in having him around all the goddamn time.

[ESPN] | [] | [MLB Trade Rumors] | [Bedazzler!]


Melissa said...

I still love him- I can't help it. Brainwashed to adore him since way back when he played for the Longhorns. I stopped thiiiiis short of writing a gushing, tear-stained post about seeing him leave.

I'll never be free from the shackles of my Clemens worship.