Under the Bleachers: Thanksgiving

nice slacksWe're all thankful for something, or at least we ought to be. We're thankful for things like family, friends, TiVo and baseball. But we're not millionaire professional baseball players, so the things we're grateful for are far less extravagant and exciting.

So, we've gone under the bleachers with some of our favorite (and not-so-favorite) players to find out what they're thankful for on this nationally recognized holiday of food and football.

Welcome to the very first alliance of all four babes in one post at one time. Teamwork!

Barry BondsEveryone's favorite perjuring, former San Francisco Giant, Barry Bonds has a lot of things to be thankful for. There's the loyalty of Greg Anderson, The Record, the alleged performance-enhancing drugs, and of course, the lube he may or may not need if he lands in FEDERAL POUND ME IN THE ASS PRISON.

In fact, since Barry will never face any legal ramifications for what he did or did not say or do, he has quite a bit to be relieved about.

Chase UtleyChase Utley should be thankful for his hotness. This where he draws his power and greatness from, and it should be flaunted, preferably wearing little or no clothing.

Same goes for Joe Mauer, Mark Kotsay, The Papelboner, and a few more that we'll leave to your imagination.

Roger Clemens' list is so ridiculous, we've had to edit 97% of it. He's thankful for size XXXXXL ballcaps, the media, Bedazzling, eating, and of course, eating.

The list of players who are thankful there is no way to detect HGH in ones' system is so long that we wondered who's not on it these days.

Dustin PedroiaMike Fontenot, David Eckstein, and Dustin Pedroia are thankful there's no "You Must Be At Least This Tall To Play This Game" sign.

Dmitri Young is thankful for beef jerky and lazy lettuce and for having one of the best nicknames ever. Aubrey Huff is thankful for body paint and vodka-cranberries.

A-RodAlex Rodriguez is grateful, mostly for Derek Jeter's hot ass, but also for muscular she-male amazon women, his Sugar Daddy, and his impeccable timing and the successful attempt at reclaiming his testicles from the jar on Scott Boras' fireplace mantle. Let's not fail to mention the infinite stupidity of Hank Steinbrenner for giving him his century long $68 bajillion contract.

Jeter is secretly grateful for A-Rod, Valtrex and all the tail he gets with his cologne.

Captain CheeseburgerC.C. Sabathia is thankful for crooked hats, bacon fat, pants with elastic waistbands, cheeseburgers from the dollar menu at McDonald's, and that the Cy Young is not a postseason award.

Curt Schilling is thankful for his giant World Series ring, the beautiful music that is his own voice, and the undivided attention of the world.

The Marlins and Diamondbacks are thankful for all 200 of their fans. The Royals and Orioles are thankful for the Rays making them look good by comparison. The Pirates are thankful for... ah...

Anna BensonKris Benson is thankful he doesn't have any teammates his wife can threaten to sleep with. Chris Young is thankful for that other Chris Young and Kevin Millar is thankful to be a member of the Boston Red Sox!

Joba Chamberlain is thankful for bug spray and that it's likely he's large enough that no one will ever truly mess with him, besides maybe A.J. Pierzynski, who is just thankful for ice packs and Tylenol. Meanwhile, Michael Barrett is thankful for Pierzysnki's punching bag face.

Big ZCarlos Zambrano is thankful for his new action figure, complete with fist-pumping action, and the ability to kick pretty much anyone's ass.

Jake Peavy is thankful for his never-ending supply of badassery. Chipper Jones is thankful for being so awesome. Elijah Dukes is not thankful for his super-sperm.

Joel Zumaya couldn't live without Guitar Hero Encore: Rock the 80's and Magglio Ordonez is grateful for his luxurious locks.

BoomerDavid Wells is thankful for Wilford Brimley commercials, donuts, Harleys and beer.

And last but certainly not least, Troy Tulowitzki told our buddy The Extrapolater that he's thankful that Matt Holliday was a member of the "clean plate club" for one night in San Diego, even though the Boston Creme Pie for dessert was a bit too filling.

Matt Holliday, on the other hand, is thankful there's no instant replay in baseball... yet.

Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy Gobble!


Bill B. said...

Have a great holiday. Humorous article.

I couldn't begin to count the amount of women wearing Chase Utley jerseys here in the Philly area...

As for me, I'm thankful for the Mets and their historic collapse. :)