Under The Bleachers

We had a run-in with Jose Offerman last night on the heels of his arrest for second-degree assault, in which he rushed the mound wielding his bat with that wild look of revenge from a man's life gone awry.

Lizzy: "So everyone's kind of curious what triggered your meltdown, Jose. Was it being hit by the pitch that set you off or just the realization that you'll never play in the big leagues again?"

long pause

Sooze: "What the hell. Is he asleep? Wake up Jose Offerman!"

Lizzy: "I think he's gone bananas."

Sooze pokes Jose Offerman

Lizzy: "Yep. He finally snapped. His eyes are totally glossy and crossed over each other."

Sooze: "Sweet - he's like Rick Moranis in Ghost Busters."

Lizzy: "Some of the best montages EVER in that movie."

Sooze: "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown."

High-fiving ensues as Jose Offerman drools on his game-worn jersey from three days ago

Lizzy: "Ghost Busters II was pretty sweet."

Sooze: "Vigo the Carpathian scared the crap out of me when I was little."

Lizzy: "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back."

Sooze: "Oooh! That gave me chills... Jose Offerman, did you enjoy Ghostbusters 2?"

Jose Offerman sits in a puddle of his own urine

Lizzy: "I think he turned retarded or something. He's starting to smell like Vigo."

Sooze: "He's just in shock. This happens to lots of old-ass minor leaguers. Most of them usually come to grips with the fact they'll never get the call again, but Jose Offerman seems to be having some difficulty with that revelation."

Lizzy: "It's his own fault for freaking out and getting arrested. Plus, he sucks at baseball."

Sooze: "Heh. Yeah he does... did."

Jose Offerman punches himself in the face

Lizzy: "This interview is dumb. Let's rent Ghostbusters."

[One More Dying Quail] | [Signal To Noise] | [With Leather]