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8.22.2007

Jonathan Papelbon Named a Pitch After Me


I knew you didn't mean what you said in those cease and desist orders.

Jonathan Papelbon claims he invented a new pitch, called a "slutter" which he struck out two Tampa Bay Devil Rays with last night en route to his 30th save of the season.

The object of all my fantasies in life had reporters in stitches when he spoke about his new pitch which is a combination of a cutter and a slider.

Kyle Snyder stood behind him, mouthing the words, "Don't print that . . ." But Papelbon was serious. He spoke about how he throws it with his palm out and how he doesn't "pronate through the ball" when he throws it. He was very serious. He said it wasn't a true slider or a cutter because of the angle at which the ball travels."

So in celebration of this, I've decided to come up with a few new pitch names of my own.

The Paris Hilton: A fastball that will hit a player directly in the groin, shatter the athletic supporter, and give the player herpes.

The Alex Rodriguez: Will only be effective if the team is at least 26 runs ahead. And if both teams are wearing Cover Girl Lipstick in Purple Passion.

The Roger Clemens: Legend has it, it is the greatest pitch in the history of mankind. Its curve is unparalleled, it's more powerful than an F-5 tornado, nothing like it has ever been seen by the human eye. However, it can only be thrown if the ball is presented with one gajillion dollars, and an irrigation of all of its seams done with the tongues of all the players on the field.



7 comments:

Sanchez said...

But I love Purple Passion... lol

With the Clemens pitch it also has to be a golden coloured baseball. Nothing else is acceptable.