We met up with Michael Barrett at the hospital this morning - his face barely recognizable: misshapen and swollen from the pounding fists of fury that is Carlos Zambrano. He reminded us of a battered housewife.
Barrett: "You know ladies, if I may get the first word, I've been in brawls before. And I've always emerged the glorious victor. Take Exhibit A for example. Here is a photo montage of me punching A.J. Pierzynski in the face."
Lizzy: "Michael, lots of people have punched A.J. Pierzynski in the face."
Sooze: "Yeah, and I would think it wouldn't be that hard to do either. He's not all that brilliant."
Barrett: "Hey, don't discount my ass-kicking."
Sooze: "The one you received last night?"
Barrett: "No! The time I beat up that asshole A.J."
Lizzy: "Michael, please stop changing the subject. We're here to talk about why Big Z beat the crap out of you last night in the dugout and later in the clubhouse."
Barrett: "First of all, he didn't beat the crap out of me. I just bruise easily."
Sooze: "Of course. Was it the passed ball that upset him? What did you say to provoke such anger?"
Barrett: "I called his mama ugly."
Lizzy: "Ooooh. Don't ever call a man's mama ugly. Especially on his birthday. The result is a royal beatdown nine times out of ten."
Sooze: "Case and point."
Barrett: "It was my birthday when I pummeled A.J. Pierzynski!"
Lizzy: "No. No it wasn't, Michael. I think it's time you put that glorious day behind you and come out and admit what a sissy you are."
Sooze: "That's right. And we're here to help."
Lizzy: "Yes. I'll start. Michael, I think you're a pussy."
Sooze: "And I think you fight like a girl."
Lizzy: "Michael, just listen. It's for your own good."
Sooze: "It's called Therapy."
Lizzy: "If you would just repeat after me... 'I Michael.'"
Barrett: "I... Michael..."
Lizzy: "Am a total bitch."
Sooze: "You can do this, pal. We're you're friends, here."
Barrett: "Am a total bitch."
Lizzy: "Zing! Did you get all that on tape?"
Sooze: "Yes! Now let's go put it on the internets!"
Barrett: "Daaaamn it!"
*cries into pillow*
[Happy Birthday! I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass!]