Under The Bleachers

fighting like childrenWe met up with Michael Barrett at the hospital this morning - his face barely recognizable: misshapen and swollen from the pounding fists of fury that is Carlos Zambrano. He reminded us of a battered housewife.

Barrett: "You know ladies, if I may get the first word, I've been in brawls before. And I've always emerged the glorious victor. Take Exhibit A for example. Here is a photo montage of me punching A.J. Pierzynski in the face."

Lizzy: "Michael, lots of people have punched A.J. Pierzynski in the face."

Sooze: "Yeah, and I would think it wouldn't be that hard to do either. He's not all that brilliant."

Barrett: "Hey, don't discount my ass-kicking."

little did michael barrett know, he would get his ass kicked roughly 10 minutes later in the clubhouseSooze: "The one you received last night?"

Barrett: "No! The time I beat up that asshole A.J."

Lizzy: "Michael, please stop changing the subject. We're here to talk about why Big Z beat the crap out of you last night in the dugout and later in the clubhouse."

Barrett: "First of all, he didn't beat the crap out of me. I just bruise easily."

Sooze: "Of course. Was it the passed ball that upset him? What did you say to provoke such anger?"

Barrett: "I called his mama ugly."

Lizzy: "Ooooh. Don't ever call a man's mama ugly. Especially on his birthday. The result is a royal beatdown nine times out of ten."

Sooze: "Case and point."

Barrett: "It was my birthday when I pummeled A.J. Pierzynski!"

Lizzy: "No. No it wasn't, Michael. I think it's time you put that glorious day behind you and come out and admit what a sissy you are."

Sooze: "That's right. And we're here to help."

Barrett: "Really?"

Lizzy: "Yes. I'll start. Michael, I think you're a pussy."

Sooze: "And I think you fight like a girl."

Barrett: "Hey!"

Lizzy: "Michael, just listen. It's for your own good."

BLB therapy sessionSooze: "It's called Therapy."

Barrett: "Okay."

Lizzy: "If you would just repeat after me... 'I Michael.'"

Barrett: "I... Michael..."

Lizzy: "Am a total bitch."

Barrett: "..."

Sooze: "You can do this, pal. We're you're friends, here."

Barrett: "Am a total bitch."

Lizzy: "Zing! Did you get all that on tape?"

Sooze: "Yes! Now let's go put it on the internets!"

Barrett: "Daaaamn it!"

*cries into pillow*

[Happy Birthday! I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass!]


Megs said...


Signal to Noise said...

Now that's the sort of hard-hitting interview we've come to expect!

Sooze said...


Lizzy said...

You're amazing, Suzy.

Anonymous said...

I, Stu, approve of your satire. However, with Roger Clemens having "groin fatigue," this can only be the second funniest thing I've read all day. I hope you understand.

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