5.06.2007

Welcome Back To The AL, You Fat Egomaniac

The deep, burning anger that I feel in my soul needs a place to be unleashed. So here you go, gentile readers.

Roger Clemens. Let me just preface this by saying that my burning hatred of this fat, balding man has very little to do with his abrupt departure from the Red Sox (I've totally forgiven Wade Boggs, and Johnny Damon is just too dumb) but his need to feed the beast that is his Sidney Ponson sized ego!

See, I have this horrific mental picture of Roger jerking off to newspaper articles about himself but after they are three days old, Little Roger can no longer rise to the occasion. And since the only other thing capable of giving him a boner, Andy Pettitte, isn't around anymore, Elephant Ass needs to make more news.

So, it's "there's an 80 percent chance I'll return," then it's "there's a 90 percent chance I won't return." Clearly, these were all lies fed from the teet of Clemens to the eagerly waiting mouths of the wretched media. Look at how he announced it - during the 7th inning stretch. At Yankee Stadium. FROM THE OWNERS BOX. I certainly hope they passed out diapers to members of the New York Media for when they all blew their collective loads at the announcement.

Now, you Yankee fans. You think Roger Clemens is going to solve your problems? This man hasn't pitched in the American League in four years. One out of every nine batters for him was another pitcher. The REAL hitters reside in the AL. You're paying 4.5 million A MONTH for a 45 year old man who seriously needs to lay off the cheeseburgers. As a Sox fan, I'm more afraid of Darrell Rasner than I am of Roger. But bring out the cross. And the nails. And the shroud of linen. Let this obese egomaniac be your savior. When you collapse like wet tacos again this year, the rest of MLB will be laughing at you and your monstrous payroll. Again.

Well, Pettitte better get the Astroglide ready. With Roger returning to New York, it's going to mean some serious spooning after games. Members of the New York Media should invest in cashmere gloves and water pics as it is likely that Roger will need his sweaty, fat, wrinkly old man balls irrigated.

I will pay any amount of money to see his return to Fenway. Welcome back to the AL, you douche-sucking crotch pheasant. David Ortiz is going to have a ball sending your mediocre fastball over the Green Monster.

Okay, I feel better.

[New York Daily News]

22 comments:

PANGER said...

omg, this post is perfect.

(well except for the "gentile readers.")

Jason said...

Well put (although I thought the original title was catchier).

Anonymous said...

I'll be damned...a Red Sox skank fan bitching about a move that the Yankees made. Next you'll tell us that the earth is round.

ian said...

I think Lizzy says it all right there.

Megs said...

This is why Lizzy's posts are so great. She doesn't give a shit what anonymous commenters say and she speaks the truth.

For instance, there will be an increase in the purchase of Astroglide in the Yankee clubhouse.

Sooze said...

The earth isn't round in New York?

The Lady said...

Now that he and Pettitte will be together again, is their hope for Jeter and A-Rod? Maybe. Toward the end of the game there was a shot of them sitting side-by-side in the dugout, laughing.

Sooze said...

...and possibly cuddling.

Mark Serio said...

I'm new to this blog,this was the 1st article I've read. Absolutely hillarious. Just curious if Clemens is obese what does that make Schilling

Suss said...

Bonus points would have gone to you, Lizzy, if you added a Susie from "Curb Your Enthusiasm" flair.

"Who do you think you are, you sicko fat fuck!"

Sam said...

this post kind of makes me embarassed to be an optimistic yankees fan

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

It can't be healthy how deliriously gleeful I am that he's going back to the AL.

I hope he falls flat on his fat face. I hate him so fucking much. Even though I am going to hope beyone hope that he fails, I hate seeing the media now and the NY media (in the coming months) verbally blow this guy. Blech.

Sanchez said...

That right there, is one terrifc post. Nail and Head Lizzy, another great job by the Babes.

rstiles said...

Here are my thoughts as Yankees fan...

I like the move because it helps the pitching staff....but there is NO FUCKING WAY I would pay a 44 year old pitcher $4.5 million a MONTH!!!

NO WAY!!!

Kerrie said...

My favorite part of the post is where you compared him to our Lord and Savior. LOL! Cause that's how he views himself, there's no doubt.

GMoney said...

Your jealousy is delicious. Red Sox fans are fucking idiots.

Clay said...

Here's to hoping he gets busted in a Roids test...

juan said...

heres the things, i dont know how clemens can necessarily be described as obese or fat when everyone knows hes a workout freak who keeps himself in excellent shape. and what does that say about schilling or ortiz? also, schilling came from a career in the nl and i think red sox fans are pretty pleased with his performance. you forget that clemens has already shown he can suceed in the al with his absurd number of cy young awards. and if you really fear darrell rasner more than clemens, then either you are a dumbass or are drinking the red sox kool aid way too much. the money is a huge deal, but its a shortterm one year investment as opposed to the 100 million dollars you shelled out for dice k who is the new hideki irabu. also, well see what happens now that ortiz is finally going to be brushed off the plate by clemens. hes a real brave "clutch" hitter when noone challenges him on the inside, well see what happens when clemens throws him that chin music.

mike said...

91 mph chin music isnt scary...neither are his unhealthy hamstrings and legs. Yanks seem to ahve a problem with hammies this year...This will really help there bullpen adding another 6 inning pitcher....

the rocket is a bitch said...

Too bad about Koby's dream to play with his father.

Ex MMB said...

"When you collapse like wet tacos again this year, the rest of MLB will be laughing at you and your monstrous payroll. Again."

When the Yankees collapse again? That's interesting, because as far as I can recall, the Yankees are the ones winning the division every year and last year it was Boston that fell apart and finished in 3rd place. But keep telling yourself whatever it takes to wash the taste out of your mouth.

Sooze said...

Yankees fans are so great.

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